Social Rhythms

It has been a while since I posted. It has been a struggle to get the ADL's (activities of daily living) done let alone write a blog entry. The irony is that I need the blog most of all and it was the one thing that never seemed to make the cut.

This past week I have been struggling with a disturbance in my social rhythm. Sounds like something out of Star Wars. There has been research regarding bipolar disorder and the effects of a disrupted social rhythm as a trigger. I can say for myself this is very much a reality. When I was first introduced to the concept of social rhythm, it was like a lightbulb went off. I realized that when I changed a routine in my life - going to college, quitting swimteam, ending a relationship - I went out of control so to speak. I was either very productive, risky, depressed or "unlike myself".

Now a disruption in my social rhythm manifests itself in the form of excessive tiredness mixed with insomnia or irritability, decreased patience, and lack of focus. Which seems much better than the previous. However, I am raising children now. Who look to me for the "mood" of the family.

An acquaintance told me that the mother is the person that sets the "tone" of the family. Which totally makes sense to me. But SUCKS! It sucks because I am the mother and I am struggling with Bipolar disorder that doesn't always present the best "tone".

I am constantly trying to manage my bipolar. There are days when I just don't want to have to remember to take my meds, to be thoughtful about what is important or how things, events can change my stability. It is no different than managing heart disease or diabetes. However, if I told people that I couldn't or shouldn't do something because of my heart disease or diabetes, they would totally understand. Yet, if I say it is because of my bipolar disorder, they would say OH! Then they wonder if I am stable enough to have their kids over to the house. Then the behaviors that would result from normal frustrated mother issues become behaviors that prove that I am crazy or going off the deep end.

Needing to sign off and spend time with my son, I do want to end on a good note.

As much as bipolar has been a horrible experience on one hand, it has also been a very enlightened experience that has proven to bring me closer to my authentic self than ever before in my life. How is that for irony.

Breathe!

Finances

Well another day struggling with depression. I just wanted to stay in bed. But I didn't, which is a good sign. At least not all day. The majority of the day but not all day. I was able to read some things that I needed/wanted to read. I was able to work on an assignment with husband. The assignment came from Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course http://www.daveramsey.com/ that we are taking through our parish. The assignment is about getting real with where your money goes every month or in other words budgeting.

Fiances is definitely an issue related to Bipolar disorder. Addictive behavior is component of bipolar disease. The addiction can be substance abuse, sex, gambling, food or even shopping. For me, shopping and food are my addictive behaviors. Buying a lot of things, even groceries, is a sign for me to evaluate where I am on the continuum. I can try to justify the spending by saying "its groceries" or "it was a bargain " or "you needed work pants". The problem is I buy 15 boxes of mac n cheese, or I buy things that I want on sale rather than things we absolutely need. And there are very few things that one absolutely needs other than food. Or I buy 5 pairs of work pants just in case because they are on sale even though the money could be used on other more pressing things.

I have found that going to Walmart, Meijier or Target Superstores can be a very taxing experience for me. I go in for groceries - the necessities- and come out $100.00 later with items that I hadn't planned on buying but I figure - I am here, what the hell!

Well my son is stirring. He went to bed early because of some poor choices on his part and some low patience on my part. Ah, the parenting side of mothering with bipolar 2. Discuss that at another time.

Breathe!

Depression

I haven't posted this week because I have been struggling with "to be depression or not to be depression". I know the symptoms all to well. The one sign of depression that I became aware of when reading Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness was agitated depression. This is why management is so difficult. I can become agitated/irritable when I am not getting enough sleep and when it seems that I am getting enough sleep.

I have been getting a fair amount of sleep this week. But I have noticed that I get tired easily and my motivation level has dropped. My agitation/irritability this week has been noticeable.

I would say I am definitely leaning towards the depressive side of bipolar disorder.

I received a comment from Susanne in which she states that she has delegated monitoring her behavior to her husband because he is more perceptive. I also count on my husband to be aware of my moods and sleep. He is more objective is assessing the information. I tend be harder on myself about my behaviors. He helps me to not beat myself up too bad. This helps me to develop a more realistic plan to deal with this moment in time.

I am very thankful. This winter has been the best winter I have had in I don't know when. Being on the right medication has done wonders for me.

Well, I am going to get some things done while I am motivated.

Breathe!

Is it Depression or just a Bad Day?

That is the question that is always in my mind when I have a couple of days of sluggishness. The last couple days I have had no motivation to do anything other than posting in my blog. Before having experienced depression, a few unmotived days and I'd chalk it up to just a few bad days. Now it becomes this mental excercise of going through a list of questions. Did I take my meds? What time did I go to bed? Am I headed down the road to depression? Do I need to be proactive and increase my antidepressant before it gets too bad? Do I let it go?

Why do I have to worry about it? I guess I can let it go-not worry about it. But if I don't and let it go to the point of not being able to take my kids to school, take them to extracurricular activites and maintain the house. It's too late.

It is so about managing. It sucks! There are days where I just want to say screw it and just be ignorant to the signs. The "ignorance is bliss" saying has so much more meaning these days. I wish that I hadn't and don't continue to research my bipolar illness at times. Because I could play dumb to the triggers or changes that occur.

Well, my motivation to post is wearing off. Breathe.

creative.mother.thinking: still a little low

creative.mother.thinking: still a little low: "I'd like to live life in bursts and crashes. Work like crazy for a couple of weeks and then retreat to bed and do nothing for a couple of weeks. Either be the center of the party, shining, laughing, dancing, singing and telling funny stories or to stay at home and be alone. I could do that. I have done it often enough. The only catch is that it makes me neither happy nor content. So I'll have to learn the 'boring' path. The one where every day is the same as the last one. Where you work constantly without burning out."


I came upon this blog and this comment really resonated with me. When I was diagnosed with Bipolar and realized that I would have to change my life- living "in bursts and crashes" - I was terrified. I found alot of my value and sense of self in the ability to get done things that other people couldn't or wouldn't. I was able to do this by living on the hypomanic side - 4 hours sleep an night. I was afraid of the "boring" path. But I can honestly say that I am finding that the middle of the emotional road isn't as unproductive or boring as I had anticipated. Now I am not saying that I am okay with the middle of the road all the time. I definitely favor the hypomania side of the road and get a rush when I can cross off several items on my to do list. But I am also more aware of the consequences of living in this state. I become a person that I don't like. Constantly having to say "I am sorry" to my family for outbursts and little patience. I am struggling with determining what is hypomania and what is who I am. I am realizing that there are certain things about me that are just who I am. Good and bad. But what do I try to change/manage and what do I just let go as being me. Breathe!

Raising Girls

I had in my mind what I wanted to talk about but as usual life-things change. I am reading this book The Wonder of Girls : Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughterstrying to get a better understanding of my nine y.o. daughter. The beginning of this book is looks at the biology of being a girl. The issue of Feminism is being talked about and how it had to dismiss the "biology" of girls because it "owned by male theorists". The author talks to Christina Sommers, author of Who Stole Feminism?: How Women Have Betrayed Womenwho says that the lack of emphasis on "nurture" and "human nature" is due to the feminist fear of "what is natural is as being defined through a male lens". I was taken back by the total dismissal of "human nature" due to the male dominated science world. Don't get me wrong feminism has opened many doors for women in the career arena. But what about women in general and those that have fought against natural urges/desires to be homemakers. I know I felt tremendous pressure when I had to return to work after the birth of our first child. I was the one that carried the insurance and our daughter had been born with a birth defect and I couldn't just quit. I never thought/anticipated I would be so unhappy with not being with my child. I never thought that I would want to be a stay at home mother. I was "nurtured" to think that having a career was what would define me as a women, a person. Transfer that to bipolar disorder and I felt that what defined me was to be a "supermom". After doing much reading and talking, I realized that I wouldn't be able to be a "supermom" and manage my disease very effectively. I have struggled with this perception if I don't work and raise a family, I sitting on the coach eating bon bons. I struggle with the battle that women working outside the home seem to want to dismiss women working in the home. I struggled and struggle with thinking that I should work outside the home part time to try to justify to the "other side" that I haven't deserted the womenhood in some way. I have fought what I realized may be "nature"/natural for me as a girl/women because I felt that was what being a modern girl was/is. But even in the stay at home world there is a "great mom label" that is the "supermom label" in disguise. For a bipolar mom that is a dangerous combination and makes hiding your illness more difficult. I am not embarrassed by my bipolar disease but I am not to the point that I am screaming from the rooftops that I am bipolar!! I strive for inner peace but I am constantly fighting the pressures from both sides of the woman fence. The pressure is unitentional from well meaning people. Friends, extended family and people I encounter in my daily routines. It is the conditioning from the media of what women/girls should be doing, thinking, wearing, using and even experiencing sexually. I started answering the question of "Do you work?" with "Are you referring to outside the home?" Even with saying that I have people-women say "oh, you don't work"! Must never had kids! On a daily basis my sense of self is constantly being challenged. Somedays I take that challenge head on and other days I bend and have to pull from my many therapy sessions. Which I guess is good that I am getting the most out the money spent! Before the identification of my bipolar disease, I would have become "supermom" and set out to "prove" that I did work - as if I needed to. The consequences of that was for me to become agitated, grumpy (trying to keep a clean blog - for the moment) and hypomanic. Of course, everyone suffers - the children, my husband and I eventually realized, me. Well, I need to go and take care of my 5 y.o. son, Christopher, who is sick with a croupy cough today. Breathe!

The Beginning

Well, I am finally on-line. I have wanted to do this for quite sometime but for this or that reason it kept getting pushed farther down on the to do list. Inspired by a good friend, I took the plunge! Yes, I have Bipolar 2. Yes, I am a Mother. Thus, the Yin and Yang of my life. I won’t go into the ..It all started when I was…. I figure it will all come out eventually.
This Blog is about raising children, managing a family all the while trying to sort through all the issues associated with being Bipolar2. My hope is to communicate, vent, sympathize, collaborate - just get together with some other folks going through the same stuff! Can't wait to get together! Breathe!