Raising Girls

I had in my mind what I wanted to talk about but as usual life-things change. I am reading this book The Wonder of Girls : Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughterstrying to get a better understanding of my nine y.o. daughter. The beginning of this book is looks at the biology of being a girl. The issue of Feminism is being talked about and how it had to dismiss the "biology" of girls because it "owned by male theorists". The author talks to Christina Sommers, author of Who Stole Feminism?: How Women Have Betrayed Womenwho says that the lack of emphasis on "nurture" and "human nature" is due to the feminist fear of "what is natural is as being defined through a male lens". I was taken back by the total dismissal of "human nature" due to the male dominated science world. Don't get me wrong feminism has opened many doors for women in the career arena. But what about women in general and those that have fought against natural urges/desires to be homemakers. I know I felt tremendous pressure when I had to return to work after the birth of our first child. I was the one that carried the insurance and our daughter had been born with a birth defect and I couldn't just quit. I never thought/anticipated I would be so unhappy with not being with my child. I never thought that I would want to be a stay at home mother. I was "nurtured" to think that having a career was what would define me as a women, a person. Transfer that to bipolar disorder and I felt that what defined me was to be a "supermom". After doing much reading and talking, I realized that I wouldn't be able to be a "supermom" and manage my disease very effectively. I have struggled with this perception if I don't work and raise a family, I sitting on the coach eating bon bons. I struggle with the battle that women working outside the home seem to want to dismiss women working in the home. I struggled and struggle with thinking that I should work outside the home part time to try to justify to the "other side" that I haven't deserted the womenhood in some way. I have fought what I realized may be "nature"/natural for me as a girl/women because I felt that was what being a modern girl was/is. But even in the stay at home world there is a "great mom label" that is the "supermom label" in disguise. For a bipolar mom that is a dangerous combination and makes hiding your illness more difficult. I am not embarrassed by my bipolar disease but I am not to the point that I am screaming from the rooftops that I am bipolar!! I strive for inner peace but I am constantly fighting the pressures from both sides of the woman fence. The pressure is unitentional from well meaning people. Friends, extended family and people I encounter in my daily routines. It is the conditioning from the media of what women/girls should be doing, thinking, wearing, using and even experiencing sexually. I started answering the question of "Do you work?" with "Are you referring to outside the home?" Even with saying that I have people-women say "oh, you don't work"! Must never had kids! On a daily basis my sense of self is constantly being challenged. Somedays I take that challenge head on and other days I bend and have to pull from my many therapy sessions. Which I guess is good that I am getting the most out the money spent! Before the identification of my bipolar disease, I would have become "supermom" and set out to "prove" that I did work - as if I needed to. The consequences of that was for me to become agitated, grumpy (trying to keep a clean blog - for the moment) and hypomanic. Of course, everyone suffers - the children, my husband and I eventually realized, me. Well, I need to go and take care of my 5 y.o. son, Christopher, who is sick with a croupy cough today. Breathe!